I have mastered giving grace, first to myself and then to others. I have developed it as a habit. You may be wondering how I can make such a bold statement. It is bold, but I want to assure you that grace didn’t just happen to me; it took a very winding path. I say winding because you have to work at grace, and even when you think you know all there is to know about grace, something happens to challenge what you think you know to be true.
People often throw around the phrase “give yourself or give people grace.” Giving grace is never that simple. Grace is not a free pass, nor does it demand that you become a doormat. Grace is both a noun and a verb; it is something you give and something you do. It translates to chance, time, and even space. We give people a chance to get it right, whatever “it” is. We give people time—time to grow, apart, or heal. Grace is being okay with the space others are in (no matter how we judge that space) and wishing them well from a distance.
Grace often compels a change in what we focus on and being open to others, understanding their world.
I think grace cannot be separated from the Golden Rule, which states, “Treat others the way you expect to be treated.” However, grace doesn’t mean an open door for others to continue to be untrue or unkind to us or to their damaging behavior towards us. In those instances, it is important to grace yourself to detach from negative energy.
When we need grace from ourselves, it becomes a little more challenging. We often give people what we should be giving ourselves. I was confronted with giving grace to my past—the parts we push under the rug, the stink we mask with perfume, and the idiosyncrasies that rest with us on the pillows of our lives, year in and year out. Some areas of my life didn’t need the band-aid of procrastination, imposter syndrome, or self-imposed limitations. These areas of my life required a lot of grace. I had to close certain chapters that I had been struggling with, and revisit places of pain I had deemed “off-limits”. I had to be honest with myself and accept responsibility for my choices. I had misplaced convictions that I needed to address.
I remember talking to one of my close confidants about something I thought someone had done to me maliciously. I expected my confidant to sympathize with me and validate how I felt. Instead, I was challenged to consider if this person had actually hurt me or if their action had simply stirred some unresolved issues within me that I had been avoiding. It was a difficult realization, but it made a lot of sense.
At one point in my life, I was very unforgiving. If someone made even the slightest mistake, I would write them off. It wasn’t until I was in need of grace myself, that I realized how wrong I had been. The same type of unmerited favor that I had refused to extend to others is what I now needed. I had a life-changing moment when I understood that I needed to be forgiven and given a chance to make things right with someone I cared about.
Here are some things I have learned about grace through experience:
- Holding onto bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness can block out grace.
- Instead of closing off the painful and embarrassing parts of your past, look at them with kindness and patience. Rather than building a fort around them, use them to create a lighthouse that will shine light into the darkness.
- People may apologize to you for wrongs you may have already forgiven. Listen to understand, not just to respond – you never know what someone else is going through.
- Practice kindness – especially towards yourself – every single day.
- Even if someone is being rude or unkind to you, respond with empathy and kindness.
- If someone is asking for your forgiveness, do so graciously. However, don’t allow your life to be open to anyone who may cause you harm.
- Forgiveness requires that you humble yourself. It’s through falling into the muck and mire that we can recognize our shared humanity and that others deserve second chances too.
- Let go of the past and extend grace to yourself and others until it becomes second nature.
Here’s How I Give Myself Grace:
I look at myself to see what I am projecting on others; I acknowledge that I don’t have all the answers and tools; I understand that with wisdom comes an opportunity to make a better choice; I accept that transforming life lessons can sometimes be learned in the school of hard knocks; I’m patient and kind to myself; I don’t stay attached to my last win or failure; I reward my efforts, even if they are small; I take a chance on the things I want to accomplish, even if I fail; I treat my past with kindness; and I come to terms with the ways I have stood in my own way.
Here is a bonus before I go:
Practicing self-compassion involves being kind and understanding to yourself, even when things are hard. It’s important to recognize that everyone makes mistakes and that it’s okay to be imperfect. To forgive yourself, acknowledge your mistakes and take responsibility for them, and then try to let go of the guilt and shame. It can help to remind yourself that mistakes are a normal part of being human and that it’s important to practice self-forgiveness so you can move forward.
I’m still a work in progress, but I’m committed to meeting people where they are, understanding their world, and making them feel seen and heard, just as I’d want to be treated.
Disclaimer: This is a perspective from experiences I have lived. No parts of this article are intended to replace the expert advice of a licensed therapist.